My Wedding Vows

A beautiful work of public art at the Albany Bulb.

Today I legally married my wonderful husband Ray.  I said these vows to him four years ago in our commitment ceremony, and said them today in front of witnesses and a government official.  I’m sharing them here because, while they are deeply personal, I think they embody what I believe is the basis for a great relationship.  I’m happy to say that in the four years since I first said these vows, I have lived up to every word.  May it always be so. Dear readers, this is the type of relationship I wish for you.

The Vows

Ray, long ago I knew you as a friend, and we built a relationship based on trust and respect.  Seven years ago my life changed forever when I fell in love with you. That night, I saw into your soul and saw the truth of who you are. To my great wonder, I felt pure, untainted, unrestricted, all-encompassing, unconditional love from you, and I knew that I had finally found the one I’d been searching for.

One thing that made all this possible is the maturity we each gained while we were apart.  We each realized that in order to be loved for who we are, we needed to first come to understand ourselves completely, and then love ourselves enough to be willing to be known.   This takes both great diligence and great courage.  We both stepped into the unflinching light of truth together, have seen inside each other in ways I’d never even imagined possible, and have built a relationship based on the most complete self-sharing.

These things I promise you:

• To love you for who you are and treat you with honor and respect
• To always be open, truthful and authentic with you
• To grow along with you, and embrace the inevitable changes and surprises life brings us
• To  support you in your efforts to be the person you want to be, have the life you want to have, and fulfill your dreams
• To make sure you get everything you need to be completely happy and satisfied with our relationship
• To communicate promptly, directly, clearly, and kindly
• To be thankful and appreciative for you, not taking your kindness, generosity, and easy-going nature for granted
• To encourage you to live a healthy, balanced, well adjusted life, and encourage you to have your health needs, both mental and physical, addressed in a timely manner
• To hold myself to the highest standards of fairness in our relationship
• To do my best to be happy, healthy, attractive, kind, supportive, caring, giving, sensitive, loving, and fun to be with
• To love, support, enjoy, and comfort you through the best and worst of times, through thick and thin, in sickness and in health

It is with great joy that I choose you as the person with whom I will spend the rest of my life. I love you with everything I am, wholly and completely. Everything is better when we are together and my deepest hope and wish is to be with you always.

I, Liz, take you, Ray, to be my husband.  I know who you are, I love you, and I want to keep you.

We’re Number 1! in inefficient health care, anyway

Clearly, our heathcare system is broken.

Source: businessinsider.com via Paul on Pinterest

Fortune favors the bold

Wyrd Oft Nereth Unfaegne Eorl, Thone His Ellen Deah

[Fate often saves an undoomed warrior when his courage endures.]
— Beowulf, c. 1000 CE — from Britannica, 11th ed., vol. III

Don’t be timid.  You don’t generally get things in life by being timid.  In order to get what you want and be who you want to be, you must take risks. They don’t need to be crazy risks: I don’t take bets I have no chance of winning.  But I don’t limit myself to sure things.

You need to be willing to stretch – take on fresh challenges, grow, and try new things, or you stagnate.  If you play it safe, you stop growing.  When you stop growing, you start dying.

Spend some time thinking about what it is that you want.  Then, take the necessary steps to get it.  Even if what you want seems incredibly ambitious, you must figure out what your next step is, and take it.

Set goals, and enlist others to help.  Let people know what it is you’re trying to achieve. You’ll be surprised how many people are willing to help you achieve a worthy goal. But if they don’t know, they can’t help.  Plus, telling people about your goal increases your accountability.  The more people who know, the more likely you are to follow through.

Achieving your goals generally involves the willingness to take a risk, hard work, determination, and endurance.  But it is so worth it.  Keep your goal in mind.  Keep taking those steps.   As an entrepreneur, this is a daily mantra for me.

I will say this – not all goals can be achieved. As you’re taking your steps towards your goal, if you have a set back, you need to take a moment to assess.  Is this an achievable goal?  If so, is this the right next step?  Perhaps you need to develop additional skills to accomplish the next step, or enlist help.  Is this still a goal that you care about?  Sometimes your ambitions/desires change.  That’s OK. But when they do, change your goals.

All my life I wanted to be somebody.  Now I see that I should have been more specific.

–Lily Tomlin

Be bold. Be specific about what you want be – it’s the only way to have a chance at becoming it.  Figure out what it takes, and go for it.  May fortune smile upon your endeavors!

Get a Breathalyzer

 

If you drink alcohol at all, ever, get a breathalyzer.  It’s not just for alcoholics, problem drinkers, or people with past DUIs.  It’s for responsible people who don’t want to kill or be killed.  Get several – one for each car, and one for home.  Then, use it.  Use it every time you’ve had alcohol to drink and you get behind the wheel.

It’s actually kind of fun when it isn’t being administered by law enforcement.  Make a game of it – guess what your blood alcohol content (BAC) is before you test. Use it at home when you feel tipsy to see what the different BACs feel like.  This way, you get a much better idea of what it feels like to be too drunk to legally drive.  I’ll give you a hint:  it’s way less drunk than you think. You might feel totally fine, and still be above the legal limit.

Why risk a DUI, or worse?  If you’re over the limit, get out of the car.  Make other arrangements to get home or wait until you’re legally able to drive.

As they say, “please drink responsibly.”

Alcohol doesn’t mix well with anything but food

I enjoy wine, and the occasional margarita.   Alcohol can be lovely when enjoyed in moderation, and can definitely enhance the enjoyment of a good meal.  But it’s important to keep in mind that alcohol doesn’t mix well with most things.  A good rule of thumb is not to mix alcohol with anything but food.  Some examples:

• Don’t mix with medications: Alcohol can interact with a wide variety of medications.  It can make your birth control pills less effective and can even kill you when combined with sedatives.  If you take any medications regularly, look up whether or not alcohol interacts with them.  If you’ve been drinking, avoid ANY medications you aren’t 100% certain will not be dangerous when combined with alcohol. 
• Don’t mix with driving: Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know this.  But it bears saying again. Don’t drink and drive. Seriously.  Have a designated driver, call a cab, or drink somewhere you can stay until you’re sober.  Like at home.
• Don’t mix with sex: Alcohol seriously impacts the ability of a man to perform in bed. But even more importantly, it impacts anyone’s ability to consent to sex.  Unless you’ve had sex with someone many times and are 100% certain that they are consenting to have sex with you, you cannot have sex with someone who is drunk without risking being called a rapist.  It’s not worth it.
• Don’t mix with your phone/internet:  Don’t take pictures or videos of drunk people with your phone. Don’t post or text said pictures or videos. Don’t take pictures or videos of yourself when drunk. Don’t call or text people when drunk – you’ll say and do things you KNOW you shouldn’t.  Don’t tweet or blog when drunk.  Anything that really needs saying or sharing can wait until you are sober.
• Don’t mix with school or work: Drinking does not enhance your ability to learn or perform work, all joking about the “Ballmer Peak” aside. You do not want to get fired or kicked out of school because you were intoxicated.  You don’t want to be the object of office or school gossip because you got drunk at a party and did something embarrassing.  Save it for your personal time.
• Don’t mix with danger: If you’re going to be in a situation where you need to be able to respond quickly and effectively, i.e. if you’re “operating heavy machinery”, walking near traffic, in a bad neighborhood, or having dinner with your in-laws, do not drink.  Don’t mix with weapons. You don’t really want the phrase “drunken idiot” on your tombstone, at your trial, or in your divorce court proceedings, right?
• Don’t mix with pregnancy: You know this, right?  If you can’t stay sober for 9 months, you are so not cut out for parenthood.
• Don’t mix with hot tubs: Drinking alcohol while hot tubbing can lead to nausea, dizziness, passing out, falling, and drowning.  Plus, you don’t want glass containers (that can fall and break) near a hot tub where people have bare feet. I know combining drinking and tubbing sounds like a great idea, but opt for one or the other, not both.
• Don’t mix with anger: If you’ve got anger management issues, you need to drink alone and stay that way until you sober up.  “But I was drunk” isn’t a valid defense for any sort of assault or abuse.
• Don’t mix with people you shouldn’t be having sex with: Drinking lowers inhibitions.  Don’t drink around people you know you shouldn’t have sex with (and don’t encourage them to drink), especially if you find them attractive.  There are some things that can’t be undone, and making a pass at the wrong person is one of those things.

Alcohol isn’t evil, but it should be enjoyed responsibly.  Preferably in a safe place, with people you trust, who won’t let you do anything stupid.

A simple test to see if a change is needed

If something is keeping you from enjoying things you usually enjoy or doing things you want to or usually do, then it is time for a change.

Perhaps it’s a medical issue: allergies that keep you from hiking outdoors, panic attacks that keep you from driving, or migraine headaches that cause you to cancel your plans. It’s time to see the doctor.

Perhaps it’s a bad habit: you aren’t fit enough to play with your kids, aren’t getting enough sleep so you’re too tired to go out with your friends, or are over-indulging in something that is affecting your ability to work or go to school.  It’s time to create some new, healthier habits.

Perhaps you’re unhappy: a job that makes you sick to your stomach every morning, a relationship that makes you feel unappreciated and taken for granted, or a living situation that frequently irritates you.  It’s time to do something that makes things better (such as talk to those involved, or a therapist). It might even be time to move on.

Change is hard, but life is short.  Don’t let your fear of change hold you back from enjoying your life.